Attention (and memory)

Dans les arbres’ clarinettist Xavier Charles often relates strong visual experiences after our concerts. He often sees inner visual narratives while playing. And when he explains after a concert, they sound like the craziest dreams.

I have never experienced this, myself. I often even have difficulties remembering musical passages after a concert. I can remember some, but often I have forgotten most of it, or I do not recognize passages that the other band members talk about. And if I do remember, it is often connected to what I played myself at that time. I remember what I played, and what in the immediate sonic surroundings I related my contribution to, during the time of performance.

My musical memory often seems to go mostly via my own playing. I find that a bit disappointing, to be honest. I would like to be a radar – to pick up everything (even if I know it is not possible). I would also like my memory to be less tied to my own playing. It is as if I am a little out of balance when it comes to collective and individual focus.

Or am I?

Listening back to recordings, I find that I am indeed obviously listening to the others. I am relating my own music-making to them, and in correspondence with them. A required awareness in the performance situation seems to be present, and in retrospect there seem to be a balance between collectivity and individuality. It is my immediate musical memory after a performance, the memory of my own attention, that puzzles me.

It is as if the awareness and the presence in situ
have a broader attention span than I can grasp in retrospect,
a broader attention span than I can memorize.

I also find it interesting that there seem to be very different kinds of attention in play when we play. We are dreaming, working, listening, playing.

Note to self: never trust my musical memory